Everybody shows love differently. LOVE can cause some to become clingy or distant. I’m addicted to the wrong love. I’m addicted to the love I must work extra hard for. The love that requires overtime in the fourth quarter of the championship game. The love that causes me to miss valuable life moments, because I am waiting for it to be reciprocated. I’m addicted to the love that causes me hurt and pain. I’m addicted to the love I know I deserve more from, but yet it feels good to receive this particular love because it makes me feel like someone. I’m addicted to the wrong love and when it is gone I feel like I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me…. #DeliveranceFromTheNotEnough
Laughter. Holding Hands. Kissing. The feeling of Real Butterflies. Those are the signs of an unseen connection..An unforeseen cord that is slowly tangling itself together…Those are the beginning stages of LOVE..Yet the way a cord can be woven together is the same way it can be undone. Love its so mysterious and all of us have experienced it before, its just like a child playing with his/her favorite toy. The only time their happy is with the toy and the only time they are crying is without it.
I have love and I have lost, but this recent loss, AFTER THE KLUTH, has to be the second worse one. I try and search and figure out how to retrace my steps, but I remember first impressions are permanent. I was falling…falling…falling to deep, to soon….I feel I shouldn’t have opened up…Where did I go wrong I ask myself? I thought he was an answered prayer….Yet again I feel like a failure.
I wanna pack one bag. Buy a one-way ticket to Europe. And spend a year truly finding myself. I’m so intelligent yet so lost, I’m locked in this image of “I’ve Made It” yet I feel farther from success than before. It’s funny how our mistakes will push us down to the ground and make us realize that one mistake can truly cost us our entire being.
I find some comfort in realizing, maybe just maybe he wasn’t the one and its just another hurdle to make me stronger than ever before.
I have realized that I have done many wrong things in life, but in the still of a cool, Louisiana afternoon when the wind is breezing by and the sun is a hint of golden yellow, I desire to walk around the lake with a man that LOVES ME for ME. I sometimes say that I am a difficult human, confrontational (little), emotional (much), but will give my all to the one I love to make them smile..I did it for the wrong person, people, persons for to many seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years. I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.
Yet, we pray and it seems like that walks in after a couple months of continuously praying for a husband is him! We can become mesmerized by their relationships with friends, family, and its an added plus if he is a constant member of a thriving church! *Geesh (I felt I hit the JACKPOT)* There is nothing like meeting a person that is sensitive to your needs and that wants to do nothing, but spend time with you! Yet sometimes things can seem so perfect that we forget to stop…slow down…process and not get caught up in the hoopla! This is the point that I forget, the point that I stop, the point that I feel I have arrived. This is when I feel I have met the man that I deserved to be LOVED by that God designed just for me.
Time…Time…Emotions…Life can get away and the actions and personalities can change so quickly that….Well…..Let’s say that prayer that was left on hold…We go to grab it quickly like a dangling old school phone, before it hits the floor…BECAUSE….I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.
After walking into court, nervous as a child walking into a kindergarten class for the first time, I left out in pure defeat.
After the protective order was denied and the defendant gave his (lies) I soon realized that this road to closure was not gonna be a wide one and it surely wasn’t going to be easy. I realized that it will be one that must be studied and mastered. I realized that if I don’t change the way I travel (anger) that I will live the rest of my life in defeat.
As I type this with tears in my eyes I realize there are so many women out there like me. They tell their story of abuse yet nobody comes to their rescue. They try to move on with their life but remnants of past pain hunt the way they cope with minor disappointments in new relationships. They give freely of themselves and are disappointed when its not given in return. They KNOW they deserve more, but yet feel stuck in a box on an isolated, desolated island.
You all never know hurt until you have experienced it. You will never know how to help another person heal if you never have went through the process.
I BELIEVE GOD! “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” -Matthew 20:16
I learned that some people study you to know your trigger points. These are the points that if touched inappropriately will cause you to react in an unpredicted way.
All and more are cowardly ways that these pressure points are tickled.
So many times people thrive off of power. When they feel that they have lost the power they will do anything to get back at that person…Its a series of events that back you into a corner and cause you to act in a manner that the other person desires to possibly get back what you really want from them not need.
I myself am guilty…Playing in the amusement park of events, rides, themed events that cause me to react in a way that never benefits me, but benefits the person that applied negative pressure in my life.
The focus now is not to simply stop their actions, but stop how I REACT. In the end my reaction doesn’t effect the person, it EFFECTS ME and my FUTURE!!