First Battle..Lost…But the War Ain’t Over

After walking into court, nervous as a child walking into a kindergarten class for the first time, I left out in pure defeat.

After the protective order was denied and the defendant gave his (lies) I soon realized that this road to closure was not gonna be a wide one and it surely wasn’t going to be easy. I realized that it will be one that must be studied and mastered. I realized that if I don’t change the way I travel (anger) that I will live the rest of my life in defeat.

As I type this with tears in my eyes I realize there are so many women out there like me. They tell their story of abuse yet nobody comes to their rescue. They try to move on with their life but remnants of past pain hunt the way they cope with minor disappointments in new relationships. They give freely of themselves and are disappointed when its not given in return. They KNOW they deserve more, but yet feel stuck in a box on an isolated, desolated island.

You all never know hurt until you have experienced it. You will never know how to help another person heal if you never have went through the process.

I BELIEVE GOD! “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” -Matthew 20:16

Holding on to NEVER AGAIN

Sometimes we can want so bad to change a meaningless situation that we allow pride and pain to become home for us. I took an incredible step on my path to holiness….Afraid of the voices and stares I had to release my mind of constant sorrow and imagine a sun rise that I never thought a deserved to see….

I broke my silence…I released my pain….I made the decision that I am worth more….

I confessed my sin….I reported my abuser….I decided to live again

I have been involved in an affair with a pastor…..Not my pastor before hand, but we had a well….Sensual overly friendly relationship (you catching my steez). He was verbally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally abusive. After years of this going on I was tired of being talked down to and decided to break my silence. I reported him for causing physical harm for the LAST time to me…I can ONLY PRAY & BELIEVE that this step is the best step in the right direction……

I hope my story touches the lives of other young women who once walked in my shoes..You are loved, adored, full of greatness….. YOU WILL LIVE AGAIN…

Delayed…REACTION

I learned that some people study you to know your trigger points. These are the points that if touched inappropriately will cause you to react in an unpredicted way.

Number blocked?

Texts blocked?

Facebook blocked?

All and more are cowardly ways that these pressure points are tickled.

So many times people thrive off of power. When they feel that they have lost the power they will do anything to get back at that person…Its a series of events that back you into a corner and cause you to act in a manner that the other person desires to possibly get back what you really want from them not need.

I myself am guilty…Playing in the amusement park of events, rides, themed events that cause me to react in a ¬†way that never benefits me, but benefits the person that applied negative pressure in my life.

The focus now is not to simply stop their actions, but stop how I REACT. In the end my reaction doesn’t effect the person, it EFFECTS ME and my FUTURE!!

Glimpse of Destiny

I feel myself free falling through this thing called life.

I want so badly to cling onto what I am accustomed to, yet I want things outside of my norms.

I feel myself afraid to let go of the rope and jump into the sea.

The sea of things I have been praying about.

They are all right there in front of me, yet I am afraid to let go.

My insecurities cause me to tremble as I hold on tightly to this rope, to this lifeline that connects me to the life I no longer want.

I want everything I prayed for yet I am afraid to go after it.

Detours cause me to become lethargic in my thinking.

Detours cause me to become complacent even more and wallow in the shallow pond I have dug for myself.

It’s up to me to change this…It’s up to me to jump into the unknown to achieve the GREATNESS I so badly desire!!