Will You Heal Me?!

The worse way to enter a new relationship is hurt, broken, and abused from the last failed relationship. No matter how much you try to smile and act whole, the more your “brokenness” seems to ooze out like puss from a sore. You can bandage it, but the smallest amount of irritability will cause it to rupture again, causing the wound to be worse than its initial occurrence.

“Hurt people, hurt people” is so cliche yet so true. A hurt person will seek love from a person and deep down want that person to heal the wounds they are afraid to face. So many times hurt people don’t know how to reach out for help, they are fearful of the judgment that will come from their words.

I wanted him to heal me. I wanted him to commit to loving me and never leaving my side. I was selfish in thinking he had the power to heal what only God could do. Maybe if I would have took the time off it would have worked?! Purpose. It was a purpose for it all. Until I was truly alone I was able to rely solely on God to heal me. I was able to rely on God to be everything I want the relationship to be.

Hurt has purpose. Abuse has purpose. Addictions have purpose. Sin has purpose. All of these things have purpose to propel you to destiny.

Will you Heal Me?
Will you uncover the mysteries behind my wounds?
Will you cuddle me until I feel strong enough to deal with reality?
Will you love me past my wounds?

Sadly, you won’t be able to be as powerful as I need you to be to HEAL ME!

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I Miss The Way…Things Could Have Been

Life can make you feel like you have already died, yet you are still living. Life has a way of beating you down until, you forget all the dreams and ambitions you had when you once were up. I know the feeling this is me. Yet despite the turmoil I put myself through and the turmoil I have allowed others to cause, I still believe there is hope for me.

Five years caused a mindset of someone to be lost from reality and living in a fantasy. The situation was wrong, yet I indulged in it, because it was the only sense of self-worth I had. Abuse after a bust I found my way out. Met a new person that I thought I would marry (Lord was I wrong). Only to be broken even more and questioning my self-worth. I learned about the things I needed to fix about myself, but I also learned there were some things that I just should not accept…Inconsistency being one. I try so hard to pray yet it feels like I’m so far. I’m thankful for grace & mercy because they kept me through it all. Divine favor is upon my life and despite my past it will not effect my future.

I miss what was and what could have been.

I am sad I fell in love with potential and not reality first. Maybe now, I wouldn’t be two months trying to forget you.

Addicted to the Wrong Love

Everybody shows love differently. LOVE can cause some to become clingy or distant. I’m addicted to the wrong love. I’m addicted to the love I must work extra hard for. The love that requires overtime in the fourth quarter of the championship game. The love that causes me to miss valuable life moments, because I am waiting for it to be reciprocated. I’m addicted to the love that causes me hurt and pain. I’m addicted to the love I know I deserve more from, but yet it feels good to receive this particular love because it makes me feel like someone. I’m addicted to the wrong love and when it is gone I feel like I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me…. #DeliveranceFromTheNotEnough

Love…Stinks

I’m thoroughly believe that love stinks! It has a way of creeping up and when you identify it at that moment it can be the best thing in the world, but after a while it starts to get old and clammy and suddenly slides away.

I am ME, take it or LEAVE it. I have FLAWS yet, I don’t have to beg for love, if you want me in your life you will show me. I shouldn’t have to beg you.

The Worse Mountain to Climb

Laughter. Holding Hands. Kissing. The feeling of Real Butterflies. Those are the signs of an unseen connection..An unforeseen cord that is slowly tangling itself together…Those are the beginning stages of LOVE..Yet the way a cord can be woven together is the same way it can be undone. Love its so mysterious and all of us have experienced it before, its just like a child playing with his/her favorite toy. The only time their happy is with the toy and the only time they are crying is without it.

I have love and I have lost, but this recent loss, AFTER THE KLUTH, has to be the second worse one. I try and search and figure out how to retrace my steps, but I remember first impressions are permanent. I was falling…falling…falling to deep, to soon….I feel I shouldn’t have opened up…Where did I go wrong I ask myself? I thought he was an answered prayer….Yet again I feel like a failure.

I wanna pack one bag. Buy a one-way ticket to Europe. And spend a year truly finding myself. I’m so intelligent yet so lost, I’m locked in this image of “I’ve Made It” yet I feel farther from success than before. It’s funny how our mistakes will push us down to the ground and make us realize that one mistake can truly cost us our entire being.

I find some comfort in realizing, maybe just maybe he wasn’t the one and its just another hurdle to make me stronger than ever before.

Love Lost…Patience….Walk Away?

I have realized that I have done many wrong things in life, but in the still of a cool, Louisiana afternoon when the wind is breezing by and the sun is a hint of golden yellow, I desire to walk around the lake with a man that LOVES ME for ME. I sometimes say that I am a difficult human, confrontational (little), emotional (much), but will give my all to the one I love to make them smile..I did it for the wrong person, people, persons for to many seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years. I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.

Yet, we pray and it seems like that walks in after a couple months of continuously praying for a husband is him! We can become mesmerized by their relationships with friends, family, and its an added plus if he is a constant member of a thriving church! *Geesh (I felt I hit the JACKPOT)* There is nothing like meeting a person that is sensitive to your needs and that wants to do nothing, but spend time with you! Yet sometimes things can seem so perfect that we forget to stop…slow down…process and not get caught up in the hoopla! This is the point that I forget, the point that I stop, the point that I feel I have arrived. This is when I feel I have met the man that I deserved to be LOVED by that God designed just for me.

Time…Time…Emotions…Life can get away and the actions and personalities can change so quickly that….Well…..Let’s say that prayer that was left on hold…We go to grab it quickly like a dangling old school phone, before it hits the floor…BECAUSE….I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.

Contents of the Kluth Part 1

Justice System…Police Officers…World…All take up for low down, abusive, un-submissive, money hungry, righteous seeking, dreaming selling preachers with no air of respect of those around them. I’m convinced that some preachers only set up churches, because a 9-5 required to much submission for them. Along with their lack of submission to their jobs, you know submission in the marriage bed will be difficult also.

It can be seen as spiritual abuse to have sexual rendezvous with your so called “valuable” member. Pastors will sleep with the janitor at the hospital if they know she won’t tell the nurse that he’s screwing to. Yet tie her money and then preach of sexual immortality and make you feel guilty about tithing. The American Church is clearly in its final stages, before things will either get on course or fall all the way off!

First Battle..Lost…But the War Ain’t Over

After walking into court, nervous as a child walking into a kindergarten class for the first time, I left out in pure defeat.

After the protective order was denied and the defendant gave his (lies) I soon realized that this road to closure was not gonna be a wide one and it surely wasn’t going to be easy. I realized that it will be one that must be studied and mastered. I realized that if I don’t change the way I travel (anger) that I will live the rest of my life in defeat.

As I type this with tears in my eyes I realize there are so many women out there like me. They tell their story of abuse yet nobody comes to their rescue. They try to move on with their life but remnants of past pain hunt the way they cope with minor disappointments in new relationships. They give freely of themselves and are disappointed when its not given in return. They KNOW they deserve more, but yet feel stuck in a box on an isolated, desolated island.

You all never know hurt until you have experienced it. You will never know how to help another person heal if you never have went through the process.

I BELIEVE GOD! “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” -Matthew 20:16

Holding on to NEVER AGAIN

Sometimes we can want so bad to change a meaningless situation that we allow pride and pain to become home for us. I took an incredible step on my path to holiness….Afraid of the voices and stares I had to release my mind of constant sorrow and imagine a sun rise that I never thought a deserved to see….

I broke my silence…I released my pain….I made the decision that I am worth more….

I confessed my sin….I reported my abuser….I decided to live again

I have been involved in an affair with a pastor…..Not my pastor before hand, but we had a well….Sensual overly friendly relationship (you catching my steez). He was verbally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally abusive. After years of this going on I was tired of being talked down to and decided to break my silence. I reported him for causing physical harm for the LAST time to me…I can ONLY PRAY & BELIEVE that this step is the best step in the right direction……

I hope my story touches the lives of other young women who once walked in my shoes..You are loved, adored, full of greatness….. YOU WILL LIVE AGAIN…

Delayed…REACTION

I learned that some people study you to know your trigger points. These are the points that if touched inappropriately will cause you to react in an unpredicted way.

Number blocked?

Texts blocked?

Facebook blocked?

All and more are cowardly ways that these pressure points are tickled.

So many times people thrive off of power. When they feel that they have lost the power they will do anything to get back at that person…Its a series of events that back you into a corner and cause you to act in a manner that the other person desires to possibly get back what you really want from them not need.

I myself am guilty…Playing in the amusement park of events, rides, themed events that cause me to react in a ¬†way that never benefits me, but benefits the person that applied negative pressure in my life.

The focus now is not to simply stop their actions, but stop how I REACT. In the end my reaction doesn’t effect the person, it EFFECTS ME and my FUTURE!!