Will You Heal Me?!

The worse way to enter a new relationship is hurt, broken, and abused from the last failed relationship. No matter how much you try to smile and act whole, the more your “brokenness” seems to ooze out like puss from a sore. You can bandage it, but the smallest amount of irritability will cause it to rupture again, causing the wound to be worse than its initial occurrence.

“Hurt people, hurt people” is so cliche yet so true. A hurt person will seek love from a person and deep down want that person to heal the wounds they are afraid to face. So many times hurt people don’t know how to reach out for help, they are fearful of the judgment that will come from their words.

I wanted him to heal me. I wanted him to commit to loving me and never leaving my side. I was selfish in thinking he had the power to heal what only God could do. Maybe if I would have took the time off it would have worked?! Purpose. It was a purpose for it all. Until I was truly alone I was able to rely solely on God to heal me. I was able to rely on God to be everything I want the relationship to be.

Hurt has purpose. Abuse has purpose. Addictions have purpose. Sin has purpose. All of these things have purpose to propel you to destiny.

Will you Heal Me?
Will you uncover the mysteries behind my wounds?
Will you cuddle me until I feel strong enough to deal with reality?
Will you love me past my wounds?

Sadly, you won’t be able to be as powerful as I need you to be to HEAL ME!

I Miss The Way…Things Could Have Been

Life can make you feel like you have already died, yet you are still living. Life has a way of beating you down until, you forget all the dreams and ambitions you had when you once were up. I know the feeling this is me. Yet despite the turmoil I put myself through and the turmoil I have allowed others to cause, I still believe there is hope for me.

Five years caused a mindset of someone to be lost from reality and living in a fantasy. The situation was wrong, yet I indulged in it, because it was the only sense of self-worth I had. Abuse after a bust I found my way out. Met a new person that I thought I would marry (Lord was I wrong). Only to be broken even more and questioning my self-worth. I learned about the things I needed to fix about myself, but I also learned there were some things that I just should not accept…Inconsistency being one. I try so hard to pray yet it feels like I’m so far. I’m thankful for grace & mercy because they kept me through it all. Divine favor is upon my life and despite my past it will not effect my future.

I miss what was and what could have been.

I am sad I fell in love with potential and not reality first. Maybe now, I wouldn’t be two months trying to forget you.

Addicted to the Wrong Love

Everybody shows love differently. LOVE can cause some to become clingy or distant. I’m addicted to the wrong love. I’m addicted to the love I must work extra hard for. The love that requires overtime in the fourth quarter of the championship game. The love that causes me to miss valuable life moments, because I am waiting for it to be reciprocated. I’m addicted to the love that causes me hurt and pain. I’m addicted to the love I know I deserve more from, but yet it feels good to receive this particular love because it makes me feel like someone. I’m addicted to the wrong love and when it is gone I feel like I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me…. #DeliveranceFromTheNotEnough

Love…Stinks

I’m thoroughly believe that love stinks! It has a way of creeping up and when you identify it at that moment it can be the best thing in the world, but after a while it starts to get old and clammy and suddenly slides away.

I am ME, take it or LEAVE it. I have FLAWS yet, I don’t have to beg for love, if you want me in your life you will show me. I shouldn’t have to beg you.

The Worse Mountain to Climb

Laughter. Holding Hands. Kissing. The feeling of Real Butterflies. Those are the signs of an unseen connection..An unforeseen cord that is slowly tangling itself together…Those are the beginning stages of LOVE..Yet the way a cord can be woven together is the same way it can be undone. Love its so mysterious and all of us have experienced it before, its just like a child playing with his/her favorite toy. The only time their happy is with the toy and the only time they are crying is without it.

I have love and I have lost, but this recent loss, AFTER THE KLUTH, has to be the second worse one. I try and search and figure out how to retrace my steps, but I remember first impressions are permanent. I was falling…falling…falling to deep, to soon….I feel I shouldn’t have opened up…Where did I go wrong I ask myself? I thought he was an answered prayer….Yet again I feel like a failure.

I wanna pack one bag. Buy a one-way ticket to Europe. And spend a year truly finding myself. I’m so intelligent yet so lost, I’m locked in this image of “I’ve Made It” yet I feel farther from success than before. It’s funny how our mistakes will push us down to the ground and make us realize that one mistake can truly cost us our entire being.

I find some comfort in realizing, maybe just maybe he wasn’t the one and its just another hurdle to make me stronger than ever before.

Love Lost…Patience….Walk Away?

I have realized that I have done many wrong things in life, but in the still of a cool, Louisiana afternoon when the wind is breezing by and the sun is a hint of golden yellow, I desire to walk around the lake with a man that LOVES ME for ME. I sometimes say that I am a difficult human, confrontational (little), emotional (much), but will give my all to the one I love to make them smile..I did it for the wrong person, people, persons for to many seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years. I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.

Yet, we pray and it seems like that walks in after a couple months of continuously praying for a husband is him! We can become mesmerized by their relationships with friends, family, and its an added plus if he is a constant member of a thriving church! *Geesh (I felt I hit the JACKPOT)* There is nothing like meeting a person that is sensitive to your needs and that wants to do nothing, but spend time with you! Yet sometimes things can seem so perfect that we forget to stop…slow down…process and not get caught up in the hoopla! This is the point that I forget, the point that I stop, the point that I feel I have arrived. This is when I feel I have met the man that I deserved to be LOVED by that God designed just for me.

Time…Time…Emotions…Life can get away and the actions and personalities can change so quickly that….Well…..Let’s say that prayer that was left on hold…We go to grab it quickly like a dangling old school phone, before it hits the floor…BECAUSE….I deserved to be LOVED by the man God has designed for me.

Contents of the Kluth Part 1

Justice System…Police Officers…World…All take up for low down, abusive, un-submissive, money hungry, righteous seeking, dreaming selling preachers with no air of respect of those around them. I’m convinced that some preachers only set up churches, because a 9-5 required to much submission for them. Along with their lack of submission to their jobs, you know submission in the marriage bed will be difficult also.

It can be seen as spiritual abuse to have sexual rendezvous with your so called “valuable” member. Pastors will sleep with the janitor at the hospital if they know she won’t tell the nurse that he’s screwing to. Yet tie her money and then preach of sexual immortality and make you feel guilty about tithing. The American Church is clearly in its final stages, before things will either get on course or fall all the way off!